Quotes

These are quotes that I have stolen from various people, maybe even you. These are generally half-remembered conversational fragments, so if I've misquoted you or you would prefer to not be quoted, send me an e-mail. Submissions are welcome. Most recent quotes are at the top.

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"It sure is smoky out here."
-Museum goer, exiting the museum by walking through the designated smoking area

"That's the dude!"
-Museum goer, upon observing a photograph of Basquiat at the Basquiat exhibit

"He's like an STD: he grows on you, usually as the unintentional result of a night of fun."
-Sabrina, on Cousin Jer

Fellow student: "I've got to go into lab tonight to collect virgins."
Me: "I often find myself doing that on Saturday night, too."
-A conversation about weekend activities. She was talking about fruit flies, I wasn't.

"I have good enough judgement to know when I have bad judgement."
-Me, on yielding to my friends when drunk

"I want to Zn my Pb into you."
-Cousin Jer and Bailey, in a text message to a girl wearing a periodic table t-shirt."

"I'm a rave of one."
-Me, after being decorated with glo-stick tubing by Jim at my birthday party

E: "I just don't link to the site in my portfolio. The only worthwhile work I did was all backend anyhow."
Me: "I'm sure that's a very common statement in the adult entertainment industry."
B: "Can we get a rim shot?"
C: "Why not, already taking it in the back end."
B: "Thank you for going after that."
-From a listserv discussion of a lister's career as a web developer for an internet porn company.

Un-named newspaper editor A: "Three of the four candidates for the school board are fucking idiots." (He had just returned from a candidates' forum.)
Un-named newspaper editor B: "What, did the fourth one not show up?"
-A bit of newsroom chat relayed to me

"I was at this bar last night, and I was just like totally making out with this guy. I was totally 'that girl'. I didn't have any wing men. I just kept wondering why one of my girl friends didn't come pull me of of this guy."
-A bartender, demonstrating why some women will forever be incomprehensible to me.

"You're not non-descript."
-Jeff; I think it was meant to be taken as a compliment

Charlene: "Are you still up?"
Me: "It's 6:00 PM."
Charlene: "Oh... right... I'm in the same time zone now."
-Charlene, thinking she was still in Japan.

Me: "Hasn't the general reaction been 'wow'?"
Thom: "I'm three for three."
-On reactions to Thomas' "size".

"Ward, you're an enabler."
-Thom, truly referring to many things.

Random person: "Are you French Canadian or... "
Jennifer: "Clearly Canadian."
-Jennifer, on her nationality.

Me: "I've seen lots of cute girls at shows that I wouldn't have minded taking home with me. But how do you meet them? That's the tough part."
Bryan: "Roofies?"
-Bryan's sage advice on "meeting" girls at shows

"Anyways, I'm going to go prep for bedÑyou know, take a cold shower, get my pillow out of the freezer..."
-Jennifer, making fun of Stephanie's methods of coping with heat
"I'm about to get one hefty ticket for public urination."
-Some random guy in the parking garage after Spider-man 2. It said it really loudly. It was funny.

Rebecca: "I'm such a bad daughter."
(later in the same conversation)
Rebecca: "Fuck Mom."
-On her relationship to our parents, subsequently accidentally proving her point

Stephanie: "Go try out my new scale."
Me: "OK."
(a couple minutes later)
Me: "That's pretty cool, but it weighs about six and a half pounds heavy."
Stephanie: "Well, you just ate."
Me: "I didn't eat six and a half pounds of baked ziti."
-On the accuracy of scales

Me: "I hate Mondays."
Bryan: "Hour and a half classes make baby Jesus cry."
Me: "So does what you do in your room at night."
Bryan: "Computer games make him cry?"
Me: "Yes. Particularly those massively-multiplayer online role-playing games you play. And he's none too fond of your fantasy sports, either."
-Text messages over the course of a (Mon)day

Me: "I like the beard. I don't think I've seen you with it before."
Joe T.: "Well, I thought if I was having lunch with Matt Ward, I should at least try to be competitive."
-On how my facial hair has become some sort of standard

Stephanie: "Hey, let's get L'Auberge Espagnole."
Me: "You want to rent 'The Spanish Eggplant'?
Stephanie: That's 'The Spanish Apartment'. You're thinking of 'aubergine'.
Me: "Damn, I liked it better when it was about eggplants."
-From a convseration in Blockbuster about choosing a movie

Me: "Wow, somebody needs to shave their legs."
Sabrina: "I'm wearing pants, Matt."
Me: "Oh."
-I won't bother to explain.

David: "Where's she from, anyway?"
Me: "Saskatchewan, I think."
Thom: "Isn't that a Chinese dish?"
Me: "That's szechuan chicken, Thom."
-Thom was trying to be funny, not stupid, but it's funnier if you pretend he's stupid.

Win: "How was that for you?"
David: "Hard. I overestimated my love for frozen chicken."
-From a conversation about cutting your expenses by stocking up on food ahead of time

"Take it easy. If it's easy take it home."
-Chas, the epitome of gentlemanly conduct, again

"My orders are apparently being witheld due to some bureaucratic pentagon nightmare. You can imagine my curiosity as to where on god's green earth they'll send me. I want to know what type of women i'll be attempting to screw."
-Chas, once again bringing a touch of class to my quotes page

"I'm sorry, that was hyberbolicious."
-Win, meaning to say hyberbolic in reference to something he had hyperbolized

"Wasn't the t.A.T.u show the all-panty dance revue?"
-Thom, on the 2003 MTV movie awards.

Win: "Is that a Cash Store inside a Subway?"
Ward: "No, I think they just share a sign."
Win: "Damn. I wanted to ask for fifty large and a cold cut trio."
-From a conversation about a strip mall on South Valley Mills

"I'm ready at a Beaumont's notice."
-Win on a prospective trip to his grandparents' home town of Beaumont (well, not really. That's a horrible, horrible lie. The truth is that I can't remember the setup for this one, but I thought the pun was too good to pass up)

Ward: "So, did you bring the Land Cruiser back?"
Bryan: "Yeah. It's so small..."
-Bryan, commenting on how the (rather large) Land Cruiser felt in comparison to the Navigator he was used to driving

"Dude, this concert is going to be so fucking great. I wouldn't be surprised if world hunger is ended because of it."
-Thom, on the Beck/Flaming Lips show

Ward: "Well, anyway. I think I'm going with the front-tuck to complete the image."
Thom: "Front tuck? What exactly is it?"
Ward: "Tuck in the front part of your shirt, leave the back hanging out. It's like the clothing equivalent of a mullet."
Thom: "Congratulations. You just made the profile."
-Thom and I, on my frat-daddy Halloween costume

Sabrina: "So, what did you do this weekend?"
Bryan: "About 0.1 [percent BAC]."

"It's been pretty noisy around here lately. I live between naked techno boy and girl-who-just-discovered-sex."
-Sabrina, on life in the Jamestown apartment complex

"Ah, cleavage... the first sign of spring."
-David, on changing seasons and changing fashions

"I like racial profiling better when they call it "'data mining.'"
-Me, on random searches and homeland security

"Baylor bought me booze."
-Me, referring, sadly, to Baylor College of Medicine rather than Baylor University

"Oh, MIT bought me copious amounts of alcohol."
-Thom, on the benefits of being flown up for an interview. It's funny because it's MIT buying alcohol for Thom.

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story."
-Jim Lane, explaining the misattribution of feelings of distrust of Thomas

Heather: "I'm thinking of becoming a nun."
Sarah: "Yeah, I've considered that too."
Heather: "But you're not Catholic!"
Sarah: "Yeah, that's what made me decide against it."

"That's my beaver showing."
-Rachal, referring to a personality type (beaver, otter, golden retreiver, lion) assigned to her by a personality test, not vaginas

David: "Rhubarb is a subcutaneous plant that's very bitter."
Thomas: "You mean it grows under your skin?"
-From a discussion on rhubarb pie

Me: "I wish I had super powers."
David: "Ward, you can fly."
Me: "Oh yeah."

Megan: "Can you explain the New Testament to me?"
(A brief summary of the New Testament by Jim Lane follows.)
Megan: "And this changed the world?"

"Thanks to you, I know what drunk people act like."
-Bennett, to David, recounting a story about a drunk girl at a school dance

Bryan: "What do you want for Christmas, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Real estate."
Bryan: "Real estate?"
Sarah: "Well, it's at the top of my list."

Thom: "What's the eighth comandment?"
Bethany: "Cruel & unusual."

"Economic Lawn Care"
-Sign at a local residence. I assume that they'll do accounting after mowing the lawn.

"I'm anal about being straight."
-Rachal (not gay, though she was referring to parking)

"What Would Jesus Do... for a Klondike Bar?"
-Bethany Perryman

Customer: "Do you have Baylor shot glasses?"
Baylor Bookstore Employee: "We call them 'toothpick holders.'"
-Overheard in the Baylor Bookstore homecoming weekend

"I liked him in Spider House Rules."
-Megan, confusing movies containing Tobey Maguire

"Thom, what's a PE where I can meet chicks? I took running last semester and I nailed a chick from that class, so I figure I have a pretty good track record."
-Chas (pun intended, I think)

"I like drunk Thomas, as long as he doesn't talk about biology."
-Courtney

"I know my hands were shaking, but when you do that much crack, what do you expect?"
-overheard from a Radio Shack employee

"My stalker sense is tingling!"
-Thomas, viewing the scene in Spider-Man where Peter Parker is looking through Mary Jane's window

"I'm really excited about Matthew this semester. No, not Matthew Ward, the book."
-Amy, about the subject of a Bible study, not me

"I've been drinking a lot of kidney stones lately."
-Thomas, attempting to explain his consumption of cranberry juice to ward off kidney stones

"If you made a New Year's resolution to diet, we'll give you a free cookie. Just ask!"
-Sign at a local Quizno's

"So, I see there are still plenty of average, low self-esteem girls here. That's the plankton of this whale."
-Sam Horton

Ward: "Futureman was arrested for tax evasion."
Thom: "He's from the future! Can they do that?"
-Concerning BŽla Fleck and the Flecktones member Futureman

"Organic chemistry is good because it makes you use a part of your brain that you don't normally use, then that part of your brain dies."
-Dr. Eldridge

"Oh, you don't have to come pick me up at the airport, I'll take the train in."
-Megan, on flying into the Waco airport

"She's like a moped: fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on it."
-Chas

"You can stay, but I'm warning you that if you do, I'll probably make a pass at you."
-Chas, speaking to a girl who was waiting for someone in his room. It worked.

"My kitten tried to claw my eyes out today. I mean, it was cute, but..."
-Robyn

"Don't worry, Ward, she's diabetic."
-Robyn, after I left a room due to my distaste for needles. Robyn was afraid that I thought the girl in question was shooting up heroin, and that the party had taken a turn for the worst.

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